Madonna used to be sexy

At least, I think she did, I can't really remember back that far. But seriously, who rocks the 3-quarter leggings with baggy sweatshorts over them? Those perpetual workout clothes are an indication of how much she really hits the gym, and she could use some steak and some sun. Otherwise, we'll all be calling her Grandmadonna soon.

Joss Stone to play a lesbian in British comedy

This is almost like hiring Paris Hilton to play the bimbo in The Hottie and the Nottie. The dykealicious Joss Stone is set to try her hand at acting in a new British comedy that starts filming next month-and she will be playing a lesbian. "The script is so funny. I've been giggling to myself every day just thinking about the characters and what they get up to... I can confirm there will be a long lingering French kiss, but it won't be with a male!" How sweet.

Is Katie Holmes about to crack?

Why is it that in Hollywood at any given time someone has to be having a breakdown? Now that Britney's getting better, we need another celeb to meet the quota? Anyway, the new issue of Star magazine is claiming that Kat(i)e is at her whits end, exhausted and suffers from stress and dizzy spells. One of her biggest problems? Tom has left her with the daunting task of decorating their $35 million mansion. Let's all cry for Mrs. Tom Cruise.

Jeremy Piven is the new (old) face of Johnston & Murphy

the stars of Entourage aren't exactly the hot commodities they used to be, and they all seem to be branching off into other gigs and promotions. While Adrian Grenier's idea of "work" seems to be walking around topless with his gut hanging out, the Pivs here is the new model for the brand Johnston and Murphy. I'm not going to lie, I've never even heard of Johnston and Murphy, but this ad doesn't really make me want to learn more. It's not bad, but it's not...great, is it?

Christina takes her curvy post-baby bod out shopping

Taking a break from son Max, Christina Aguilera and hubby Jordan Bratman went shopping over the weekend, and Christina looked very cute, I might add. It looks like she's still got a pretty curvy figure from having a baby, but it's so refreshing to see a celebrity mom not turn into a stick again 5 minutes after giving birth!

Paris Hilton has a busy schedule and she has the print-out to prove it

Because we all don't hate Paris enough, she decided to flash her single-paged bold print itinerary while in her car last week. The month of March is a toughie for Miss Hilton! From LA to London, from London to Africa, from Africa to Germany...and she has to judge the Miss Turkey pageant! And don't forget all those Good Charlotte concerts she must attend in support of her new beau. Ah, the life of an heiress.

Nick Lachey's a porker

Remember when Nick and Vanessa Minillo first got together, and you couldn't open a magazine without seeing a picture of him topless and her in a bikini? Well, there may be a reason why those ubiquitous pics have suddenly come to a stop. According to OK Magazine, "He's fat! It looks like Nick Lachey ate Vanessa." Hey, it's never been about looks with Nick. It's his talent that matters, right? No? Oh, OK.

Is Winona a Klepto?

As much as we hate to believe the National Enquirer, they sometimes turn out to be right. Let's hope that's not the case here, as they are reporting that the former shoplifter and Johnny Depp's ex has done it again...this time at a Hollywood CVS. The goods? Make-up! Wino, if you're going to shoplift...make it something expensive! At least then we might have some pity for you.

Perez Hilton thinks he's a celebrity

If there's something I hate more than overweight, orange-haired oddballs calling the kettle black (labeling other, actual legit celebrities as "ugly" and continuously kicking them when they're down), it's when said overweight, orange-haired oddballs name-drop and snap pics with their other "celebrity" d-list friends and post them on their websites. Why don't you go back to taking innocent young girls' posts off of youtube and making a worldwide mockery of them, Perez? That was such a better use of your time.

Harry Potter and the half-blood clot

Noooo! Harry Potter can't die from lung cancer. We need need him to keep making movies until he's 102! You think maybe he uses his magic wand to make the carcinogens disappear?

Jamie Lynn laughs in the face of teenage motherhood

Haha! Being 16 and pregnant is sooooo funny! The littlest Spears sister was spotted out in Kentwood with a girlfriend grabbing some coffee in her Uggs last week looking absolutely psyched to be an expectant baby-momma. Honestly, if I had access to unlimited funds and 24-hour nanny care, I'd probably start popping out little ones, too.

Project Runway winner to be very, very Ugly!

The always hilarious and totally "fierce" Project Runway winner Christian Siriano could be guest starring as himself sometime in the near future on the ABC comedy Ugly Betty. Now, this apparently came directly from him, so who knows if he was just messing with us...or perhaps trying to get the attention of the Betty producers! Last thing I heard, Lindsay Lohan was supposed to be on the show, too, and we're still all waiting for that one to happen.

Kate Bosworth = Perfection!

She has done it again! Kate has taken a couture dress that would look ridiculous on anyone else and made it look, in my opinion, absolutely fabulous! Kate was looking gorgeous at the Las Vegas premiere of her new movie 21. Anyone who says anything about her thin frame is just jealous. Her face is so classically gorgeous, she could weigh two pounds or two hundred pounds and still be perfection!

Ellen has a bone to pick with Sally Kern

The always hilarious Ellen DeGeneres made reference to Oklahoma politician Sally Kern yesterday, who not long ago was unknowingly taped saying some harsh words about homosexuals in America. She even went so far as to say that homosexuality was a bigger threat than terrorism! Always one to handle serious situations well and light-heartedly, Ellen left a message for Kern on her show asking her to "call her back" since her in-box was full! Ellen also commented, "I'm trying to figure out which societies have disappeared that we don't know about," in regards to Kern's comment about societies that embrace homosexuality disappearing. Way to go, Ellen!

Ryan Seacrest wants us all to know he's not gay

Aaaaw, isn't he pretty? Seacrest will always remain a mystery when it comes to his sexuality, and his dating life has been kept pretty secretive. Remember when he dated Teri Hatcher for like, five minutes? Anyway, and this is kind of disturbing, I warn you, the Idol host has reportedly been secretly dating none other than bimbo-licious Holly Huddleston. You may not know her name, but you would know her boobs. She is one half of "the Olly Girls", as seen on E!'s "reality" show, Sunset Tan. Ryan, what are you trying to prove by dating this 12-year-old slut? She has crap for brains, no talent, and exploits her body to a disgusting degree. What can he possibly see in her? Can she even hold a conversation? Seacrest out...of his mind!

Jessica Simpson's rep: "Jess is no diva!"

She's been overseas supporting and performing for the troops lately, but reports are surfacing of her diva-like ways, including demands for lavish accommodations, private jets and a huge entourage. But her rep insists that it isn't true, saying that she flew coach and has been eating every meal with the troops. Either way...I think it's great that Jessica is performing for the troops and raising their morale like that. Go Jessica!

Patricia Heaton has no belly button

Some not-so-flattering photos were taken of the former "Everybody Loves Raymond" star in Hawaii this week. What is going on here? is she an alien with no navel like the dude from "Kyle XY"? I'm all for a little nip/tuck when the girls start to get saggy, but when you start to look inhuman, it's time to take it down a notch.

Britney's peeps say "Hell no!" to Adnan Ghalib

That's right, the shady photog apparently tried to see the recovering pop star this weekend and was turned away before even getting the chance. Woo hoo! Britney, on the other hand, spent the weekend shopping (surprise, surprise) and teaching more dance classes to little ones. I'm not very partial to her sporting the just-rolled-outa-bed look in public...but she's gotta be exhausted, so we'll let it slide.

"From Hunk to Chunk"

Thank you, Defamer! The site has posted UsWeekly's picks for male celebs that they say have gone "from hunk to chunk." The unlucky lads include actors like Tom Cruise, Val Kilmer, Alec Baldwin and Ryan Gosling. Notably absent from the list is rapper Eminen, who has famously ballooned to over 200 pounds recently, although one might argue that he was never exactly a "hunk" to begin with.

When Bimbos Blog

"Every day I have been eating ham and cheese sandwiches, I can't get enough of them. Wish they had these back in the states."

--Jessica Alba on her MySpace page

Jennifer Lopez says 'No' to J.Lo!

Apparently, some serious cash (6 million big ones) isn't the only thing La Lopez is demanding for her new baby twins to appear in People. Though the magazine has denied it, reports are surfacing claiming the singer and actress wants the shots to be taken by hubby Marc Anthony, and she wants the mag to stop referring to her as 'J.Lo.' She'll always be J.Lo to me...it doesn't matter how many times over she becomes a momma.

'Best Actress' winner claims 9/11 was a fake

According to the UK's Daily Mail, 32-year-old French actress Marion Cotillard, who recently won the Academy Award for her performance in "La Vie En Rose", made a startling claim this week. "I think we're lied to about a number of things," she said, citing the 9/11 attacks as an example. Cotillard also questioned the 1969 moon landing. "Did a man really walk on the moon? I saw plenty of documentaries on it, and I really wondered. And in any case I don't believe all they tell me, that's for sure."

Her name is Paris

This just in! Miss Hilton (you must be worth a trillion bucks) is set to guest star on a future episode of "My Name is Earl". This time around, the heiress will really be putting her acting chops to the test playing...herself. This is really different from the time she did that one horror flick where she played, um, herself, and that one movie with the hottie and the nottie she just did in which she appeared as, well, herself.

Britney to duet with Heidi Montag?!

According to Mr. Perez Hilton, Britney Spears and Little Miss Inflata-boob have recently recorded a duet together. But don't be fooled! Sources say that Heidi's people actually took the recorded track that Britney had made alone and had her sing with it in order to get more press than having her simply re-record the track herself. Soooo shady! This is what they do when they know she can't really sing!