How does this happen?

Nicollete Sheridan is exactly twice my age, and she looks freakishly hard-bodied and hot in that little black bikini. I supposedly have "good genes" and bust my butt at yoga every week, and my ass more closely resembles two bowls of cottage cheese. Where's the justice in that?

You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt

Has anyone else contemplated what a travesty against humanity it would be if all of K. Kar's athletics on the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars caused her to lose that famously delicious ass? What is Kim Kardashian without an ass? That's like Jay Leno without a chin, or Brad Pitt without a penis. Let's not even go there. It's not like she could fall back (pun intended) on her acting abilities. Did you see Disaster Movie? Yeah, me neither.

Oh. My. God.

Vote for Sarah Palin or...

She'll f**k yo' shiz up!!

I'm afraid.

The hockey mom speaks

Gag me. If there's on thing that annoyed me more than Sarah Palin's blatant disregard for the truth, it was her pimping out her family for half of her speech in attempt to get us to vote for her. How dumb do you think I am? I'm not voting for you because you have cute kids. And though Huckabee's proclamation that "She's one of the most popular governors," is a convincing argument, I think I'll pass, thanks. when did this stop being a presidential election and start being a page out of my high school yearbook?

Adrian Brody no longer wants to attract women

I'll admit it, Adrien Brody used to be my favorite secret crush. Something about that huge nose just always did something for me. I love him in some of cute indie movies, like Dummy. But lately the look my former future husband has been sporting is a little less, well, hot. He looks less like a sexy leading man and more like a Jewish version of Borat. And it never hurts to put on some real pants before you leave the house.

I always knew I liked David Duchovny

Veteran Hollywood hottie David Duchovny recently checked himself into rehab, not for drugs or alcohol, but for a sex addiction! Duchovny's wife, Tea Leoni, is apparently sticking with him through this "hard time". Men, ugh. Hey David, when you get out of rehab, give me a call!

Excuse me, Miss Olsen? You seem to have forgotten your pants.

UUUGGHH! How many posts will I need to publish about her heinous style before M-K stops dressing like an absolute moron? She must not visit this site (shocking). The tiny twinster actually wore this "outfit" on a date with her bf out in NYC this week. Amazingly, he didn't dump her after taking one look at her in her dad's flannel shirt.

Even Pocahontas needs caffiene

Jessica Alba recreated every one's favorite John Smith-shagging Native American hottie as she went for a coffee run in LA this week. So she doesn't like being seen of as "Latina", but Indian is OK? I'm confused.

Is "Gossip Girl" the Next "OC"? OMFG, I hope so.

As a single girl sitting on her couch by herself, why would I want to watch two ridiculously hot people getting it on right in front of me? And seriously, the last thing I need is "It" girl of the moment, Blake Lively, telling me how perfect her life is and to watch her and co-star Penn Badgely shamelessly making out on and off set. Enjoy it now, Blake. In five years, you could be going the way of Miss Mischa Barton.

I thought you were happy with your body, J. Love?

Jennifer love Hewitt looked svelte again as she headed out with her fiance in L.A. earlier this week. Funny, because six months ago she was furious at the press for making fun of her curvy figure and stated that she didn't need to change a thing...and now she goes on a media tour and brags about how she lost 18 pounds. Don't act like the pillar of self acceptance and then go work out like a fiend. I would have more respect for her if she came out and said she felt like crap when the world called her fat.

I waited three months for this???

Did you guys watch The Hills last night? Dumb question, I know. In case you are the one and only person on Earth who didn't, here's what happened: LC went on a date with some vacuous hot guy, Lo was sort of a catty bitch, Audrina was skinny and overly dramatic, Heidi was skinny and overly obnoxious, and Spencer was a tool. I think that pretty much covers it.

LiLo has a romantic night out with her bf

Is it just me, or are Lindsay and Sam starting to morph into the same person? I have to admit, I like DJ Sam with her cute shorter 'do...but only because it makes her look like a man. I'm still straight, right? Anyway, the two look-alike love birds enjoyed Mexican food and each other's company before heading to a showing of the new Ben Stiller flick, Tropic Thunder. Who do you think payed?

Team Heidi or team Lauren?

OK, I'm about to throw something out there that may the most controversial comment since Reverend Wright went on his racial tyraid. Is it just me...or is Heidi being unfairly villainized on The Hills? I admit that she is a complete fame whore and that her boyfriend is definitely the scum of the universe. But, the more I watch the show and have to listen to Lauren Conrad's self-indulgent bitch fests as she completely overlooks the fact that Heidi has tried to speak to her like an adult countless times, the more I start to question the villain-hero statuses of The Hills' girls. Am I the only one who feels this way?

Why so blue?

The ridiculously hot yet inevitably downright creepy Tom Cruise, along with 44-year-old soccer mom Katie Holmes, took a stroll in NYC during some downtime from her Broadway play rehearsals for All My Sons. All My Sons? I must have fallen asleep that day in drama class. Anyway, Tom sported some sexy "see? I'm normal!" aviators, while Katie stuck with a classic button down shirt and some classic (?) silvery-blue nails. It must have been to offset her blue hands...

Tyra loves Michelle Obama almost as much as she loves herself

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? Either that, or this month's issue of Harper's Bazaar is just plain weird. Tyra proclaims her love for the possible future first lady which, who hasn't, but then takes it a step further by doing her "best" M. Dog impersonation... which ends up looking more like Diana Ross circa 1969. Truth? I think she just wanted to pretend to be married to Barack.