We know what's on Britney's mind

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Britney probably has never even heard of Richard Nixon. Just a guess.

Britney does Glamour

...and does it well! Did anyone else watch her special on MTV last night? I thought it was interesting overall, although it got a little slow towards the end, and watching her cry on camera was quite sad. No one really knows what's going on in that head of hers, but at least the outside of her looks fantastic!

Britney's peeps say "Hell no!" to Adnan Ghalib

That's right, the shady photog apparently tried to see the recovering pop star this weekend and was turned away before even getting the chance. Woo hoo! Britney, on the other hand, spent the weekend shopping (surprise, surprise) and teaching more dance classes to little ones. I'm not very partial to her sporting the just-rolled-outa-bed look in public...but she's gotta be exhausted, so we'll let it slide.

Britney to duet with Heidi Montag?!

According to Mr. Perez Hilton, Britney Spears and Little Miss Inflata-boob have recently recorded a duet together. But don't be fooled! Sources say that Heidi's people actually took the recorded track that Britney had made alone and had her sing with it in order to get more press than having her simply re-record the track herself. Soooo shady! This is what they do when they know she can't really sing!

Britney gives up on own kids; tries to steal other peoples'

It's been reported in Us Weekly that earlier this month, Britney Spears (is she getting skinnier?) showed up at an elementary school in Beverly Hills claiming that she was asked to "pick up" the young children of one of her legal advisers. After making a scene outside of the school and being asked to move to a more private entrance at the back of the building, the pop tart quickly fled the scene. Creepy.

Britney's tickled pink by her new married/paparazzi/stalker boyfriend

Ahhhh, new love. How I wish I could experience the romance of buying cheap hooker wigs and binging on caffeine with the one I love, and who's wife, coincidentally, probably loves (or loved) too. I wish someone could explain this pic to me that supposedly was taken outside of a Starbucks in Baja, California. Is this just another one of Brit Brit's thrice-daily coffee runs (punctuated by random licking of a pap's snap-happy fingers), or has she actually resorted to snorting whipped topping? At least she's off the hard stuff...for now.

Britney runs over another pap's foot!

My feelings about Brit Brit have officially come full circle. I started off about a year ago feeling sorry for her and all the constant media scrutiny about how she lives her life and raises her children. Then, I got irritated at her erratic and irresponsible behavior. Now, I look at this picture and can't help but feel pity for the falling pop star. As Britney was driving to the Beverly Hills Hotel the other night, she was bombarded by photogs and (accidentally?) ran over another unsuspecting pap's foot. With her driving record as public as it is, you'd think they'd be a little more cautious of their extremities around Brit's car.

Britney Spears blames missed custody hearing on bad cell phone reception

This little one is full of excuses. Brit, seen here earlier this week looking a little bit over-dressed to be ordering fast food, has said that the reason she recently missed an important custody hearing regarding her two young boys was that she had bad cell phone reception and didn't receive the message clearly. What do you think?

I swear to God I will throw those boots away for her

Britney, don't you think it's time to retire those nasty, worn out, pathetic excuses for footwear? I almost prefer the pirate garb you were sporting earlier this week compared to those. Put the dog down and step away from the boots, Britney.

Britney's actions coming back to haunt her

Britney Spears is sad. And who could blame her? She has just been charged on two counts of hit-and-run and, get this, driving without a valid California driver's license. How do you live in California for, like, seven years and get pulled over a dozen times and still not have a driver's license? On top of that, she is undergoing bi-weekly drug tests (thank God) and attending parenting classes with ex-hubby Kevin Federline. Who cares about the parents...save the children!

And the award for the worst VMA performance in history goes to...

Seriously. I had just gotten out of the shower on Sunday night and was beginning to wind down for the night...when I was confronted with the most disturbing and unnerving display of suckiness that I have ever witnessed. Britney's "performance" was not only skanky, but boring, lifeless and pretty much looked like what the slutty girl in high school would do in the talent show (you know the one I mean). And (here comes the bitch in me), is it just me or is Britney's "physique" not exactly in the shape it used to be? It's fine, girl--you had two kids. But please, dress accordingly.

At this point, anything is an improvement

So, apparently Cameron Diaz realized that she was way too A-list for lame-o "mindfreak" Criss Angel, because now he seems to be smitten with Britney Spears (weird couple alert)! But anyway, I posted this pic to say something nice, so here it goes. Is it just me, or does Britney actually appear to be a bit like her former self in this picture? Big, pretty eyes, a decent wig, subtle make-up...take away the wannabe magician and she's golden.

Wait...she meant actual lollipops?

Apparently, when Britney tells her 2-year-old booboo Sean P. to go get "Mommy's lollipops", she means actual lollipops sometimes and not just those cancer sticks. You have to hand it to the girl...she lost her marriage, career and is about to lose her children, but she can still enjoy a night out on the town in a black one-piece jumper monstrosity along with her cousin and "singer", Alli. Get out of lala land, bitch!

Britney Spears smiles without sneering

Ok, so I know I've been hard on the Britster lately (who hasn't), but I have to see it's great to say her smiling in these photos taken with her sons over the weekend. JJ looks so adorable, and look how big Sean P. is getting! It's sometimes easy to forget that Miss Brit was once considered one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, but seeing her smile like this reminds me why. Keep smiling, Britney!

Someone get this idiot an editor

Britney has made yet another brilliant decision, this time trying to explain to us what went down the night she went psycho with an umbrella all over the paparazzos' car. She wasn't in a drunken rage, she was just preparing for a new "roll" in a movie. Unfortunately we will never see proof of this as she didn't get the part. Yeah right.

Britney holds/is a bitch

Apparently Britney is so pleased with her outstanding parenting skills that she considered having another baby this weekend- this teeny tiny little chihuahua she test drove but did not leave with. As for her own mom, Brit Brit had this to say: "I am praying for her right now, and I hope she gets the help she needs." Well that's cute, Britney. Make her sound like the basketcase. I think they should both go to therapy together.

Why... oh why???

Oops, she did it again (sorry, I couldn't help myself). Brit Brit has gone wannabe goth again, which is almost as bad as her recent bleach blond rats' nest. Kind of sad, seeing as how when she buzzed it all off it would have been a great opportunity for her to start over with her own healthy hair. Unfortunately for her, healthy and Britney don't even belong in the same sentence anymore.

You know you've got a problem when your momma looks better than you, y'all!

Ok, I'm really sorry, but Britney looks like she's aged 15 years in just 3 or 4. Is this what child-rearing does to you, or is it the drugs? Who knows, but homegirl should really get some of that lipo she loves so much done on her chin, and cheeks, and...well, you get the picture. Maybe she should start by cutting back on those cheetos.